Here are your Horoscopes for this week.

♐ Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21


♑ Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19


♒ Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

While you were away from home, a stranger showered in your bathroom. • An argument over a parking ticket will lead to romantic entanglement.


♓ Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20


♈ Aries | March 21 to April 19


♉ Taurus | April 20 to May 20

tighten the caps on all your medications. • Watch more TV and pay less attention to your family. • Something will slip out of your hand and break your foot tomorrow.


♊ Gemini | May 21 to June 20

Try to answer every phone call before the first ring finishes. Success will follow • Run! For God’s sake, RUN!


♋ Cancer | June 21 to July 22

Check your voicemail. • Call in sick. You’ll know why. • Walk it off. • Don’t sleep, shriners want to eat you.


♌ Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

Your seats for the show will be abysmal. • It’s okay to isolate, as long as you don’t do it alone. • Walk it off. • You’ll throw out your back pooping this week so don’t do it.


♍ Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

 A kangaroo will play a pivotal role in the weekend. • What you see as a talent, others see as a sign of weakness.


♎ Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

Yep, that’s a panda. • You will become illiterate as soon as you finish this sentence. • Succeeding at sucking is not really success.


♏ Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

Your car will begin pulling slightly to the center. • People like you make me sick. • A large windfall is coming to you. Only it’s meteorological and not financial.