Here are your Horoscopes for this week.
♉ Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Keep an eye out for rabid squirrels this month. Why be yourself when you can be someone more interesting? You need a pet. Go ask someone to pet you.
♊ Gemini | May 21 to June 20
A fart will follow you into the car, ruining your date. The milk is going bad as you read this. Call in sick. You’ll know why.
♋ Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Learn how to drive jerk! Things are about to get interesting, but not for you.
♌ Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Tell that person you love them. You know who we’re talking about. Wait! No, not them! Stop you fool!
♍ Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
It’s okay to isolate, as long as you don’t do it alone. You will have a chance encounter with romance today so take a bath for god’s sake.
♎ Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
The body under the couch is starting to smell. While you were at work, a stranger showered in your bathroom
♏ Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Tired of the constant accusations, you will buy a dog to take the heat for farting. The termites in your skull are making more noise than ever this week.
♐ Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Your life is a series of ups and downs. Like a toilet plunger. Keep a close eye on your bank balance today, which shouldn’t be hard given that you’re nearly broke.
♑ Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19
You have something in your teeth. Being unique just means you don’t fit in. Today is the last day of the rest of your life. The sun is shining up your ass. Enjoy it.
♒ Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You will buy some minors alcohol today. Your poker face needs work. Seriously? You’re wearing that?
♓ Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
You’ll throw out your back eating a taco this week. Truth may be perception, but you’re just a freaking liar.
♈ Aries | March 21 to April 19
Try a new deodorant.