Here are your Horoscopes for this week.

♎ Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22

Don’t let a Fireman blow out the candles on your cake. They’re off duty You will inadvertently shoplift several times this week. • Things are about to get interesting, but not for you Your lucky colour is Yellow snow.

Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21

They wouldn’t have said it if they didn’t mean it. • Two words: Alien Contact • Why be yourself when you can be someone more interesting?   Your lucky colour is Walter White.

♐ Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

You upset the RSPCA this seeking when you kill two birds with one stone • Do something for yourself for once. Do it! What did I just say? • You will develop an attractive skin condition • Your lucky colour is Frangipani.

♑ Capricorn | Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

Aaaaah! There’s a bug on your shoulder! • Your pet humps your pillow when you’re at work • Keep an eye out for rabid drop bears this month • Your lucky colour is Barney the dinosaur purple.

♒ Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

Learn how to drive jerk! • You’ll be more inclined to relax almost to the point of coma • Buy a box of fake eyeballs You’ll thank us later • Your lucky colour is Pickle Rick Green.

♓ Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20

Your exciting plans for the weekend will bore the planets • Give up on your dreams, everyone else has. • Sure, you’re tough. Yikes! • Your lucky colour is Areola pink.

♈ Aries | March 21 to April 19

Call in sick. You’ll know why • You will buy a parrot this week and teach it to swear. On Friday you will return it Buy a box of fake eyeballs. You’ll thank us later • Your lucky colour is Apple Logo white.

Taurus | April 20 to May 20

Spend less time worrying about appearances and more time worrying about how people see you. You will suddenly realize you’re naked on public transportation • That favourite coworker of yours secretly hates you • Your lucky colour is Booger green.

♊ Gemini | May 21 to June 20

You will receive a phone call tonight. Wait for six rings before answering. • Throw the baby out with the bathwater. Go on, do it • Your bank is stealing from you • Your lucky colour is Nutella lid white.

♋ Cancer | June 21 to July 22

You will try a new deodorant. • You’ll find it in the last place you look for it You never had it to begin with Your lucky colour is Optimus Prime red.

♌ Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22

You have a great singing voice, stop hiding it you future Australian Idol winner • You will fall asleep in a meeting and snore like a leaf blower Finance is in your future as you will get a pay rise Your lucky colour is Cheezel yellow.

Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22

Do something for yourself for once. Do it! What did I just say? • You will buy some miners alcohol today. They work hard underground and deserve it The world is your oyster. Gross Your zipper is down. Made you look Your lucky colour … bloody hell do we need to tell you? you’re an independent woman, you decide your lucky colour. I’m not your boss.