Melbourne Replaces Ballarat As Victoria’s Least Liveable City

“Do you want Coronavirus or frost? It’s a tough choice,” said Lindy Swan, 29, of no fixed address.

The choice of where not to live has never had a wider pool of options.

“It used to be, DON’T GO TO MOE, with daylight second, but now, huh, ah, Moe is a real option,” said Ms Swan.

The housing crisis is pushing the unemployed out to Victoria’s regions like never before.

“Never before would I have considered Horsham to be attractive. Mainly because I knew this guy who lived there and he was a jerk so I guess I judged the whole cart based on one apple. Did the apple fall far from the tree? It could be worth the risk finding out. I mean, yeah, the alternative is what, Geelong?” said Ms Swan.

With more hot-spots than a kid with chicken spots, or an overheating car engine, or an STD clinic after Groovin the Moo, Melbourne’s laneways and coffee culture is no longer appealing to very many.

“I mean, like, I don’t even like coffee. I just said I did, to like, fit in, you know?” said Ms Swan.

Pretending to like something is like being proud to own a Hypercolor t-shirt, or playing Pokemon, or living in Ballarat, it’s just something people do get along with others in society.

“I’m thinking it might be best to park on the side of a road and, like, maybe, just sleep there, you know, considering the alternatives and all,” said Ms Swan.


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