Your Horoscope – Week Of January 1, 2024

Happy New Year, Bendigo!

Here’s our guide to what the stars have in store for YOU!


March 21 to April 19

Congratulations, Aries! You’re still as impulsive as ever. Patience may be a virtue, but not one of yours. Your attention span is shorter than your temper, so good luck sticking to that New Year’s resolution for over a week.

Your lucky colour: Invisible.


April 20 to May 20

Taurus, the only thing slower than your decision-making process is the internet connection in the remote cabin you dream of escaping. Maybe you should move faster than the speed of a sloth this year, and you might get somewhere.

Your lucky colour: Procrastination Blue.


May 21 to June 20

Gemini, you’re the master of small talk and the champion of gossip. It’s too bad your communication skills don’t extend to holding a meaningful conversation or sticking to a single opinion for more than two minutes. Can you commit to anything?

Your lucky colour: Sarcasm Silver.


June 21 to July 22

Cancer, your mood swings are as predictable as the weather in outer space. It’s hard for people to keep up with your emotional rollercoaster, especially when the ride never seems to end. Maybe invest in some emotional stability?

Your lucky colour: Mismatched Magenta.


July 23 to August 22

Ah, Leo, the world revolves around you, or at least that’s what you think. Your ego is so big it has its gravitational pull. Newsflash: humility won’t kill you, but your arrogance might drive everyone else away.

Your lucky colour: Overconfident Orange.


August 23 to September 22

Virgo, your perfectionism is genuinely awe-inspiring. It’s a shame your life isn’t as flawless as you try to make it seem on Instagram. Maybe instead of obsessing over the small details, focus on fixing your existence’s giant mess.

Your lucky colour: Indecisive Indigo.


September 23 to October 22

Libra, your indecision is reaching legendary proportions. It’s almost impressive how you can’t choose to save your life. Hint: people are tired of waiting for you to decide where to go for dinner. Just pick a place, any place!

Your lucky colour: Underdog Umber.


October 23 to November 21

Scorpio, your mysterious aura is fascinating. It’s too bad your secrets are about as interesting as a soggy toast. Maybe try being more transparent, but we doubt there’s much substance behind the smoke and mirrors.

Your lucky colour: Existentialist Gray.


Nov. 22 to Dec. 21

Sagittarius, your love for adventure and freedom is truly unparalleled. Too bad commitment is a foreign concept to you. Try sticking around long enough to form a real connection instead of always running away when things get real.

Your lucky colour: FOMO Green.


Dec. 22 to Jan. 19

Capricorn, your ambition is genuinely admirable. It’s a shame that your social skills are about as developed as a rock. Climbing the career ladder is excellent, but maybe learning how to hold a conversation that doesn’t involve sock puppets.

Your lucky colour: Disco-ball Silver.


Jan. 20 to Feb. 18

Aquarius, your quirky and unconventional personality is charming to some but not very pleasant to others. Maybe dial down the weirdness and try being relatable for once. People might want to spend time with you.

Your lucky colour: Ironic Beige.


February 19 to March 20

Pisces, your dreamy nature is endearing, but it’s time to wake up and smell the disappointment. Life isn’t a fairy tale; you’re not a magical princess. Snap out of it and face reality; it’s not as bad as your fantasy world.

Your lucky colour: Plaid Surprise.

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